The last time I wrote a blog post was January 3rd, and to say that my life has changed drastically in the last three months would potentially be the biggest understatement ever.
So, since we have a lot to catch up on, let's go back to the beginning. 5 days after I published my last blog post. January 8th, 2024.
It started like a normal day in this season of life: my mom had a doctor's appointment in North Knoxville, and I was the driver. About halfway through the drive, I was suddenly in pain and really felt like I needed to go to the bathroom, so I pulled into a parking lot to go inside.
Unfortunately for me, going to the bathroom did not relieve much of my pain, and as I continued the drive, the pain got more and more intense. It got to the point that I told my mom I was not even sure I could make it to the doctor's office.
I pushed through, but by the time we made it there, the pain was almost unbearable. I had pain in both my stomach and back. I told my mom I was not going to be able to drive us back to Seymour after the appointment, and we needed to call someone to drive us. She called my aunt, and the Lord had already gone before us: she was already in the parking lot! She was going to surprise us for lunch after the appointment.
They went inside for the appointment, and I laid down in the car. I decided to try to eat lunch after they finished to see if that would help me to feel better. When we finished eating, the pain had gotten so intense I could barely walk out of the restaurant. It was in this moment that I knew something was wrong with me, but I hoped I was wrong.
My aunt drove us to my mom's house, and I laid down on my old bed and tried to distract myself from the pain with TV. We called the doctor, and they told me to take a pregnancy test. There was not one at my parents' house, and my mom and I were now both unable to drive. We had no choice but to wait for Isaac to get off work and bring one.
Hours of pain, barely being able to walk, my hearing going in and out, and getting dizzy went by until Isaac arrived, and he helped me to the bathroom to take the pregnancy test. The pain was so intense I could not use the bathroom, and when I stood up, it started happening. A feeling I know all too well. I was passing out.
My legs started to buckle, my hearing was almost gone, and I started to see black. I heard Isaac say, "SHE'S PASSING OUT!" as if he was on the other side of the house even though he was right next to me.
The last thought that I remember having before everything went black is that I might actually meet Jesus that day. As I fell to the floor, I knew my life had to be in danger, and yet, in that last second of consciousness, I felt peace. I saw the truth of Hebrews 2:14-15 in a new way: "Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death."
No matter what my circumstances were, death and the fear of death had no power over me, and that was the Gospel at work.
I am not sure how long I was out. My mom and Isaac later told me my lips turned blue and I looked like a corpse. As I came to, I was lying on the floor, hearing Isaac ask me if I could hear him and my mom on the phone with 911. I could obviously hear him, but I could not move or respond. It was like I was frozen, and it stayed that way until I had the sudden urge to vomit. I leaned over, puked all over the floor, and used all my strength to say, "Pray."
Isaac started praying the most desperate and sincere prayer as I wondered what in the world had caused all of this.
We went to the ER, and I passed out again once we got there. After that, I was instantly taken to a room where they asked if I was pregnant. I said if I was, I did not know it. (Remember, I was never able to take the pregnancy test at home.) They told me this appeared to be an ectopic pregnancy based on my symptoms. I did not know what that meant and was just trying to stay calm.
They drew my blood and did an ultrasound. This part of the story is a bit fuzzy for me. I do not remember the order that all of these things happened in, but the ultrasound showed internal bleeding in my stomach. This furthered indicated an ectopic pregnancy, so I asked the doctor if my blood work showed I was pregnant, would the baby be okay. He shook his head no and said, "I'm sorry. An ectopic pregnancy is not a viable pregnancy."
I remember leaning my head back on the hospital bed and saying, "I don't want to lose my first baby."
From there, they said I needed to be given a blood transfusion and it was a critical, emergency situation. I think at this point I had also been told I would probably be headed to surgery at some point that night.
My legs started shaking uncontrollably, and it was taking all I had not to break down in tears. All that brought me peace in that moment was listening to my worship playlist and declaring the power, sovereignty, and goodness of God. God's presence calmed my shaking legs and helped me to just focus on the lyrics.
I eventually asked one of my nurses, "I have a question, and I need you to be honest with me and not just tell me something to make me feel better. Am I dying?"
He looked at me and said something along the lines of, "We're doing everything we can. Let's just say it's a good thing you came in when you did."
Not exactly the most comforting answer to that question.
As the night went on, I was stuck with more needles than I could keep count of, and somewhere along the way, the doctor came in with the blood work results.
"You are pregnant by the way, I'm sorry to have to tell you that."
Every time I had previously imagined the moment I'd find out I was pregnant with my first child, I never once envisioned being in a hospital bed with the words, "I'm sorry" being said. I imagined taking a test in my bathroom at home and crying tears of joy and telling Isaac in a creative way.
The only thing that the picture in my head and reality had in common was tears, but these were bittersweet tears. Tears of both gratitude and grief. Gratitude for the little person inside of me who was made in God's image and who He knew before He formed him or her in my womb but also tears of grief from thinking that I'd lose this little person before ever getting to see and hold him or her on this side of Heaven.
I had another ultrasound that the surgeon looked at, and he explained that the only way he could know for sure what was happening in there was for me to go to surgery. I asked him, "Is there any chance this could all be wrong and the baby be okay?"
He basically said that technically, there is a chance of them being wrong, but they were pretty certain what this was. I held onto hope that my baby was going to be okay. They prepped me for surgery, and as they wheeled me down the hallway away from my family, I recited Psalm 23 out loud. I clung to the truth that the Lord was my Shepherd and that He was with me.
Then, in what to me felt like a second, I woke up from surgery. Barely awake, I asked the most important question in the world to me, "Is the baby okay?"
The surgeon smiled and told me the greatest news. There was no ectopic pregnancy, and he had cleaned up all of the internal bleeding, which had pretty much stopped by the time he got in there. I apparently had an ovarian cyst rupture.
Everyone was amazed, my family, the surgeon, me. I just kept thanking God over and over in my mind. I went into that surgery thinking mine and my baby's lives were at risk as well as that I might potentially lose one of my Fallopian tubes. I woke up, and everything was fine.
Of course, after that, doctors watched me and my baby closely for a few weeks, but now at 17 weeks, I have had no other complications. It has been a completely normal pregnancy so far.
As I reflect on that truly life changing night, I see God everywhere. From my aunt already being at the doctor's office without knowing we needed her, to me lifting the arm that was not connected to IVs in worship in my hospital bed to "Forever Be Praised" by Bethel, to our pastor praying for us over the phone and asking God for a miracle, to reciting Psalm 23 on the way to surgery, to waking up from surgery and finding myself in the center of a miracle story, God was there in every moment.
Later that night, a nurse wheeled me to the car, and she asked, "How you feeling, mama?"
It took me a second to realize she was talking to me and not my mom. It was the first time I had ever been called a mother.
Recovery was not easy, and I was in a lot of pain for a few days. Even still, I just felt gratitude. As time went on, I started to be a little upset that finding out I was pregnant and telling my family and friends did not look the way I had always wanted it. But, God changed my perspective on that too, and now, I would not change a moment of this journey so far. I am carrying my miracle son, James Walker, and that is worth everything. All of the pain, uncertainty, and fear. James is worth it all.
When I think of James and I's story, I think of Lazarus' story in John 11. If Jesus had chosen to go as soon as He heard the news that Lazarus was sick and heal him, that would have been a miracle, and it would have shown His power. But, would it have it have opened some people's eyes to belief in Jesus like a resurrection?
If I had found out about this pregnancy the way I thought I would, it would have been a miracle. ALL life is a miracle from God, but maybe, just maybe, someone needed to hear this story of God's healing to either believe in Him or encourage them that He still does miracles. Maybe, you are the one who needs James and I's story.
I have prayed for God to use my future children for His honor and glory for years now, and He has answered that prayer from the time I was 3 weeks along in my pregnancy. I am unsure of His plans for my son, but like Mary, I will ponder all of these things in my heart as I see God write his story far better than I ever could.
Yahweh-Rapha is a name of God that means the LORD heals, and I have experienced this aspect of God's character firsthand. Call on His Name today, and believe for the impossible. After all, nothing is impossible for Him.
"But Jesus looked at them and said to them, 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'” Matthew 19:26
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