It has been awhile. Quite frankly, I have been digging deep into my own faith recently, and I felt I needed to focus on my own relationship with God, rather than writing about it. This was so necessary, as I feel like God has deepened in my faith over the last few months in a way that I will try to describe (even though I don't think words will do it justice).
As I wrote about a few months back, my papaw went home to be with Jesus in December 2020. It was so sudden. He was building houses weeks before he got sick. It felt like in an instant, my entire life changed.
You see, I had prayed specifically for my grandparents to be protected from COVID-19 everyday for months, and then, COVID-19 was the very thing that took my papaw out of this world. If my papaw had passed away from anything else, it would've hurt, and I would miss him just as much as I do now, but losing him to the very thing I spent months praying that he would be protected from really wasn't what I expected. It made a difficult situation even more difficult. It made an impossible to understand situation, even more impossible to understand. Although I didn't realize it at the time, anger toward God began to sprout up in me.
The thing is, I was going to church, I was going to Cru, I was leading a Bible study for middle school girls, I was attending Cru Bible study throughout the week, so since I was still doing the "norm," I didn't realize my own faith needed strengthened.
It wasn't until after church one night, my best friend texted me and asked, "Why don't you sing during worship at church anymore?" This may not initially sound like that big of a deal, but ask anyone who has sat beside me at church: I'm a loud singer in worship. It's a running joke with my friends actually. (Side note: find godly friends who will ask you questions like this and challenge you to grow closer to Christ).
Her question surprised me. I hadn't been intentionally not singing in worship, and I didn't really have an answer to her question at first. I told her I would think and pray on it and let her know. Later in the week, I told my mom what happened, and she asked the same question my friend did.
Long story short, the Lord revealed to me that after the loss of my papaw, I had began to feel angry with Him. In fact, despite doing all of the "right" things, like going to church and Cru, I had really been avoiding Him all together, and it was all because I was mad at Him for seemingly not answering my prayers.
I grew up in church hearing a song with the lyrics, "God is good, yes He is. He's good all the time. You can search the whole world all over, no greater friend you'll find. He's not good just now and then, He's good all the time." And, I really believed those words. I believed God was good no matter the circumstance, but when my papaw passed away from COVID-19, the question began to creep into my mind: is God really as good as I believed Him to be?
How could God let my papaw pass away from the one thing I actually prayed for Him to protect him from? I just couldn't make sense of it.
I asked for advice from two of my spiritual mentors, and what they had to say was exactly what I needed to hear. The piece of advice that really stuck out to me is one of them told me to run back to the cross. He said if I could just go back to the cross and remember what Jesus did for me, I wouldn't doubt His goodness anymore. So simple, yet so profound.
God Himself took on human flesh, lived the perfect life I never could, died the death I should've died, and rose from the grave three days later: all so I could be saved. How could I possibly doubt His goodness when He did that for me? He owed me absolutely nothing, and He gave me absolutely everything.
Running back to the cross changed everything for me, and I feel like my faith is deeper than ever now. God had to show me that He, in fact, didn't ignore my prayers or let me down. He never promised my papaw wouldn't get COVID-19, but He did promise He'd be with me & that He'd work all things together for my good. I needed to lean into His promises and believe them.
I am happy to say that I am back scream-singing during worship and raising my hands high. I sing loud because my God is good, He's good all the time. He's more than worthy of my praise.
If you're walking through a hard season today as a believer, I pray that God would wrap His loving arms around you and remind you of the price He paid for you at Calvary. I pray you would feel His presence and remember His love. The best advice I can give is to run as fast as you can back to the cross, you'll find exactly what you're looking for there.
"He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?" Romans 8:32.
"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." Proverbs 3:5.
"For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting; and His truth endureth to all generations." Psalm 100:5.
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